Thump, thump
Thump, thump
Thump, thump

The space between
The depth of the beat

I feel it in my chest
slow and steady, constant
It is reassuring, affirming, beautiful

The comfort of it returning me
to the warmth and safety of my mother’s womb
Lying in her chest as I softly drifted off to sleep
Despite her pain there it was
just as mine is constant and reassuring

You are here
You are alive
You are loved
You ARE

Thump, thump
Thump, thump
Thump, thump

These words are never more true than in the case of boundaries.

Boundaries are the rules of engagement in all of our relationships . . . or at least they should be.  

Boundaries are established to protect ourselves and others in our relationships. These rules of engagement may be written, spoken, or unspoken. They also cover a wide array of interactions such as physical touch, language and tone in communication, actions we will or will not take, and topics of conversation that we will or will not entertain. We should have different boundaries in different relationships as they are needed. For example you may welcome a hug from your mother but not your boss.  

We will not always understand the personal history or choice of others in how or why they establish their boundaries, but these boundaries must always be respected.  We must respect our own boundaries and the boundaries of others without condition or judgement.  We should not use boundaries as a weapon but instead should speak our truth when setting boundaries and not demean their importance by using harsh or barbed language.

So how do you know when a boundary has been crossed?    
                           Your body reacts.

​Many of us have turned off this awareness over time. We received messages that we should not hurt the feelings of others, that we "shouldn't feel that way", that we are "over-reacting". Gradually, over time, the feeling in the pit of our stomach, the tension in our throat, the constriction in our chest is ignored. Sometimes this is so profound that our bodies turn on themselves and we start to have pains or in the most severe cases even the development of autoimmune disorders.

Start to pay attention to how your body reacts to interactions with others. Listen to it. Allow it to inform you if a boundary is needed. Study the situation and find a boundary that will address your need. No one can do this for you . . . remember, happiness is an inside job.

When you feel angry, frustrated, judged, or hurt how do you react?

Many of us have a habit of berating ourselves or the thing that we credit with upsetting us.  This can be detrimental in several ways.  We can say and do things to ourselves and others that we don't mean, we can damage relationships with our reaction, and we squash the opportunity to learn from the situation.  

So how do we give others (and ourselves) a bit of heart?

1) We pause
2) We examine our feelings
      -What word best describes this feeling
      -Where in our bodies are we feeling this emotion
3) We ask ourselves why we are feeling this way
      -Is this situation reminiscent of a previous experience
      -Do we fear for our safety or the safety of someone else
      -Does the situation make us question our beliefs
4) We ask ourselves why the situation occurred in the                  manner that it did
      -Was it accidental
      -Was it malicious
      -Was there a motive 
            *positive or negative
5) We consider our response options
       -What response is an honest representation of how we              feel
       -What response allows for resolution
5) We react in a manner consistent with our feelings and our       goals for the situation.  

This may seem like a pretty burdensome list when all you want to do is give someone a piece of your mind, but when you practice this you will find that these steps can be reviewed quite quickly.  The great benefit is that you will be able to respond in an effective and authentic manner that leaves room for growth on both sides.  

The holiday season can be challenging to say the least. We often underestimate the energy it takes to accomplish all that we do in the holiday season. There is the financial burden, the diverse personalities to contend with, the holiday parties, the overindulgence in food and beverage ... no wonder we make New Years resolutions. 

So how can you recover from the fun but stressful holiday season?

First you need to honor where you are. Take some time to evaluate your year; appreciate the good and be gentle and understanding with yourself regarding the not so good. 

Don't make any extreme changes. These are not likely to last and they are more likely to frustrate and discourage you than help.  Instead, after you have completed your evaluation, come up with a plan (either by yourself or with a coach or therapist) to make small adjustments that will have a greater and lasting impact in your life.

Make the plan concrete. The more structured your plan is the more likely you are to follow through with it. Write your plan down or put it in your smartphone for quick access. Keep a journal of the change/s. Avoid being to harsh on yourself if you do not stick exactly to the plan, but rather notice the barriers to the success of your plan and address them or adjust the plan.

Have a Happy and Healthy 2014!

Often as children we receive messages that we should not feel or express feeling, especially "bad feelings". The truth is that being in touch with our emotions and expressing them appropriately is imperative to our health. 

Study after study is showing that emotions that are not expressed commonly manifest themselves physiologically in our bodies and can greatly impact our immune system. There is truth in our statements about situations that are a "pain in the neck" for example. 

So how do we undo that which we have been taught and have practiced for years?

We have to use more than just our brain to allow us to truly understand and react to our feelings. First we must recognize the emotion that we are feeling. Is it grief? Anger? Frustration? Elation? Then we must investigate where in our bodies we feel this emotion. Is it a gipping feeling in our gut? A headache? A lightness in our chest? We can then add in our logic. Why do we feel this way? What has occurred? Is there an explanation for how we feel?

The information we gather in this process will allow us to truly identify what we are feeling and express this emotion in the most healthy and appropriate manner.

Allow hope for a brighter day to be a motivating force in your darkest moments. 

We all have them ... those times in our lives where we lose our way. We struggle to find ourselves in the midst of the everyday chaos that fills our lives. We lose sight of our hopes and dreams for the future. The flames that used to burn in our hearts seem to have been snuffed out. Where did they go? Where is our passion, our thirst for life?

Sometimes we have to remind ourselves that the sun will rise tomorrow and that we have the opportunity to celebrate the new beginning that each day brings. It is never too late to begin again. Although it may feel like the flame has been extinguished, the embers still exist.

Time. There is never enough of it and yet we think we have all the time in the world. Too often we run ourselves ragged by prioritizing the wrong things.  Frequently, our health and wellbeing only gets attention at the new year, when we feel like we are getting "fat", or when we have a adverse health event. 

Study after study has shown that we humans live much more productive and enjoyable lives when we take care of ourselves. You can start with something simple . . . create a schedule. Schedule time for self-care activities; meditation, exercise, massage, recreation, taking a class and then follow through. You will find that you have more energy, a greater capacity for focus, and improved mood. Your body and your family will thank you.

Remember Kindergarten? We were always asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Some of us wanted to be doctors, others firemen, still others astronauts, but as Kindergartners we knew little about the world and ourselves to make such a determination. Our parents and teachers thought our declarations were adorable, but they didn't hold us to them.

We all create plans for our lives, some much more rigid than others. We dream about who we want to be, what career we will have, the house we will live in. Hopes and dreams for the future can be beautiful things as long as we allow them to be something akin to a Choose Your Own Adventure book; one decision leads to another with an exciting outcome.

Too often we believe that having a plan provides us with control. This false sense of security, this believe that we can control the ambiguity of our future, often stands in the path of what is possible. Sometimes we have to get out of our own way and allow the future to unfold to be truly happy.

It is nearly impossible to avoid all of the negativity that surrounds us day by day. Whether on a large scale or a personal one we are easily bogged down with all of this negativity. But here we have a choice, do we allow the negativity to consume us or to we use it to help motivate us towards change. 

Take our current political climate . . . regardless of what side you are on, you want to see things change. Rather than putting our heads in the sand, we can advocate for what we want. Hardship has the opportunity to unite us, if we are willing.

On a personal scale we are all faced from time to time with what feel like impossible circumstances. At these times we are likely to feel overwhelmed and powerless. The world in all of its tainted glory feels like, well, hell really. This is when we have to put life in slow motion to see the silver lining, the opportunities that lie just below the surface of our fear. It takes a great deal of courage to love ourselves and the world in spite of all its glorious imperfection. 

My mother is a wonderful example of this. Diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer when I was 12, my mom's world was spinning completely out of control. She was facing the likelihood of death and leaving behind her 4 children, ranging in age from 2 to 15. But she didn't give up. She put her world into slow motion. She focused all of her attention on loving us and allowing that to fuel her fight and I will be forever grateful.

Oh, that's all we have to do! Easy right? I believe that this is one of those easier said than done statements, beautiful though it may be.  However, there is great truth in this statement. So it may not be easy, but it is worth the struggle we may endure to come out on the other side. Like the dandelion in the picture, something causes the seeds to float away; a breath perhaps or a gust of wind. For us "letting go" requires an intention and effort. There are many ways to "let go" and these depend on what it is that we are releasing; an emotion, control, a person.

Below are a few considerations that may help you decide if you are ready to let go and what the most effective means of letting go may be.

1. What are your secondary gains in holding on? How do you benefit from allowing it to remain in your life?
2. How would your life be different without it?
3. Are you able to change it?
4. If you decided to let go how would you go about it? Would you create boundaries? Would you turn it over to your higher power? Would you write it down? Would you express it in some other form; a song perhaps or a painting?
5. Are you comfortable seeking counsel and is it appropriate to ask for help? This may be from a family member, friend, spiritual leader, or professional.